my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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