I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize
