I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
