burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
