Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
