its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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