So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
