Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
