There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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