This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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