Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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