When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
