dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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