I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
