I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Randomize
