Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
