Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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