Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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