I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
