YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
