just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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