Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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