you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Randomize
