I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
