it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just gift wrapped bread.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
