I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
