I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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