so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I could make wine with my vomit
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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