How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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