i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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