Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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