omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
