Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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