if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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