Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
