How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
