hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
