My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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