I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
