i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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