I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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