What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Randomize
