I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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