Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Randomize
