How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize