im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
