You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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