I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
