I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
