Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
