..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
