Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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