Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
