we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
