I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
