I faked an abortion last night.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
