who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
