btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
