I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
