yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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