the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
