i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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